Day 10: Heart of Worship

Once again, I wanted to put up my post last night after work, but I couldn't. The problem with getting home at 3am is that when the devil gets in your head and makes it hard to concentrate all you can do is pray. There's no one I would call at that time of night, the house is asleep and I don't want to wake anyone up. This has nothing to do with the book, but lately I've been having weird feelings riding home at night. It's a bunch of long dark roads and I been worried about people following me for some reason. I guess I might feel better if I took the highway, when was the last time Freddy or Jason jumped out of the median at somebody, but dark, wooded roads; those are prime boogie-man locations. And if that weren't bad enough there's the tiny little deer to worry about too. But anyway. . .

"I give up" . . . "uncle" . . . "you win"
That's how I think of surrender. I was in the military, surrender is taught to be a last resort. I don't surrender well. Let's face it, there are things we have to surrender to every day. Some times it has a nice name like when you "compromise" with your spouse. Inside it still feels like surrender. (to both of you) You can't compromise with God, you have to surrender. But surrendering to God is the heart of worship.

I'm not at war with God, we're not wrestling or playing a game, I'm in love with Him. So why is surrendering so hard? It's hard for the same reason it's hard with my wife, for the same reasons they talked about in the military. I'm afraid of what is going to happen. At this stage in my life, it's not that I don't trust God, it's just that I still think I can figure this stuff out on my own.

A funny thing this reminds me of from the Bible is a story of Abraham. God told Abraham to take his wife and go to another country. Abraham thought, 'if these people know she is my wife, they will kill me and take her for themselves. I know, (burning torch over his head because they didn't have lightbulbs) I'll tell them she's my sister.' So his 'sister' gets added to the king's harem . . . bad things happen, and God has to intervene. Abraham talked to God!!! And he still had trust issues. I can't imagine talking to God, or even an Angel of the Lord, like they describe in the Old Testament.

I can do anything I set my mind to . . . I don't need anyone's help . . . I got this.
Lies! I can do NOTHING without God. I know this, in my heart I've accepted it as Truth, but I still deal with pride and ego issues. Surrendering is admitting that I have limitations. Let's face it, that's a big ego kill. Well, I have all kinds of limitations, but none that I want to admit publicly. Ok, I'll give you one, I can't do a wheelie on my motorcycle. I know all the mechanics, the physics behind it, I've seen it done on my bike so I know it's possible, but I can't do it. There, I said it; now no one will ask me, or expect me to do one.

Admitting our limitations can be a big relief. We are not God and 'never' will be. As much as I physically look like Jesus, no one expects me to walk on water, although I have been asked to turn water into wine. People don't usually ask you to do stuff if they already know you can't do. When was the last time you were asked to move a grand piano by yourself? Having to admit I can't do something usually upsets me. I really related to what the author said about reacting with anger and resentment. But I want to say, if you can do a wheelie, I don't hate you, I'm not mad at you, I'm just bummed that I can know how to do something, but not be able to do it.

But I have to look at it the way the author describes it. Surrendering is not for cowards or doormats. When I admitted my faith, some of my friends rode me pretty hard, some of my 'friends' even scattered, but some of them have come forward to say "'I'm a Christian too." People that I didn't know were Christians are now with me on this journey. It's sad that I didn't know beforehand that they were Christians, but admitting my faith to the public was my first act of surrender. It took guts. Cowards don't do stuff that require guts. Surrendering to God will shake up your life, your household, and your facebook friends list. Trust me, I know it personally. But it was the best thing I ever did.

Now to 'completely' surrender. Completely, there's that finite word again. EVERY aspect of my life has to be surrendered. But, the plus side: Surrendered to God, you don't have to fear or surrender to anything else. Wouldn't that be AWESOME!!!!? No more fear. The apostle Paul said, "to live is Christ, to die is gain." He was in prison for talking about God and threats against his life didn't even scare him. I can't fulfill God's purpose in my life unless I surrender to Him and not my own fear based plans, that's a path to chaos. Nothing under His control is ever out of control.

The problem with a living sacrifice is that it can crawl off the altar, so you may have to resurrender your life fifty times a day. I'm human, I fall off the wagon. The thing about it is I gotta get back up. Maybe you've been there. Maybe you fell off and thought, "that hurt, it's better to stay off the wagon than fall again." Get back up. God loves the underdog. (That's us) Luke tells us in his Gospel that Jesus said "I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." I can't make the text red here, but JESUS SAID THAT!!! God and all the angels rejoice when we repent. And you know what, each time I've gotten back up, the next fall wasn't as far and didn't hurt as bad.

When I fall again today, I'll get back up and continue on. See, God doesn't make me 'start over' when I fall. My life is full of "checkpoints" and if you play video games like I do, you know it's all about reaching the next checkpoint. Once you reach a checkpoint you don't have to start from the beginning again. I don't have to be re-baptized, or re-affirm my faith to others. All I have to do is admit that what I did was wrong,(to God and to myself) really try not to do it again, and continue from where I left off. So if you're down right now, I want you to know that Jesus has his hand out ready to help you back up. Right where you left off!

Our Bible verse comes from the Book of Romans. The book quotes Today's English Version, but I like the way it reads in the New International Version better. You get a fuller picture.

Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness.
Rom 6:13 (NIV)

The question is one that I didn't want to answer:
What area of my life am I holding back from God? My finances. I still think I can figure them out myself. But, I talked with my wife last night and we're going to sit down together and have a really uncomfortable (at least from my end) conversation.

Remember: The heart of worship is surrender.